Why do we quiet our dreams?
All of our fish are dead.
I can hear the humming of the tank, the bubbling water flowing through the filter. Just sitting there empty. They died long ago. Four small fish, slowly dwindling down to none.
Each loss was dramatic in some way to my daughter. “Pinkie’s DEAD?! Noooo!” 😭
Then the fascination of death takes over. “Bye little fishie”, watching with eyes wide open as we flush it down to a prayer, and a remembering. 😢
Poor Pinkie, Purpley, Goldie, and Bluey—gone but not forgotten. And if you need a hint about their colors… you don’t. 😂
Why we continue to fill the tank with water, I don’t know. Maybe for the sound - reminding us of a flowing river.
But with no fish, it’s honestly just a placeholder. Maybe we like the feeling of possibility - of life returning again someday. But in the meantime, we keep putting it off...
I think for a long time it was like that with my dreams, and goals. The magical, mystical ideal future of a life and career that I wanted to have. I think that's true for a lot of people.
Why do so many of us quiet our dreams? How many of us keep the idea of something we could do, something we want to do, but never actually take the step to make it real?
I always envied those people who knew exactly what they were born to do, even in early childhood. The ones who could so clearly choose a career at 8 or 9 and set up their life to achieve that goal.
Where the heck did that knowing even come from? I never knew exactly who or what I wanted to be. I wasn’t born with that chip.
When I looked at my kindergarten keepsakes a few years ago, I remember finding a piece of paper that the entire class filled out - where we told our teacher what we wanted to be. All the girls chose “Ballerina”, myself included. All the boys chose “Firefighter.”
I remember thinking, WTF? I never wanted to be a ballerina - who gave me that line?
In middle school, I thought I would become a school teacher. Turns out, I do NOT have the patience for that. 😂
Instead, I went on to study Gender & Women’s Studies in college. And let me tell you, our career prospects were so unclear that upon graduation, we made T-shirts that said: “We have no idea what we’re doing” and wore them bar-hopping.
After graduating, I worked in the nonprofit space - first at a Domestic Violence Agency, then at a Rape Crisis Center. I remember the feeling of finding my people. My colleagues were just as passionate and invested as I was in trying to change the state of the world. We were young, idealistic, and always ready for a fight.
Holy shit, was I in for a rude awakening.
I remember feeling so lost when I decided I couldn’t work there anymore. Not being able to withstand that pressure. Worried for my own health and mental wellbeing. And when a doctor told me I had mild depression, I realized: passion alone cannot sustain me.
For so long, I felt like I didn’t know my path. I felt like I was a failure, because I didn't know a way forward that felt solid.
And I think that’s what holds many people back - the fear of failure, the confusion that comes with it, and the uncertainty of not knowing. We ask ourselves, “What if I choose wrong?”
And so we play it safe.
Which I did. For a long time.
I don’t think a young girl ever dreams of becoming an “Administrative Assistant” at a Derivatives Exchange. And yet, there I was. So when I found myself in that role, I remember thinking, what the hell am I doing here?
I left nonprofit burnt out and underpaid. (Keyword: nonprofit. It’s not just a name, it’s a warning.)
I found stability in corporate, but felt hollow.
So I stayed. For sixteen years. Until something in me said: This isn’t it. There has to be more.
Even in a place where I may not have felt home, there was so much good. I stumbled into Innovation while there. Found a challenging role where I could grow and facilitate teams. (Often feeling like I didn't know what I was doing, honestly.)
And then I found coaching.
Each step along the way felt uncertain, but also like a quiet calling.
And now, in this place in my life, I ask myself - is this my dream job? I don’t know yet. I’m still figuring things out- even at 41. (Probably, especially at 41.)
They call this a midlife crisis, right? 😂
But in many ways, I feel like I’m just getting started. Like the real crisis isn’t in not knowing - it’s in believing we were supposed to know all along.
I was sold a lie that I needed to have things figured out at 22. That I needed to settle into a role that paid the bills and stay there. To settle.
I don’t want to put my dreams off.
This might not be where I envisioned I’d be at this point in my life, but I feel like leaving my corporate job after 16 years was the beginning of me finally finding myself. Finally doing work that's mine, that feels hopeful, and alive.
Maybe your dreams are sitting on a shelf somewhere, waiting for you to place them in your empty tank. Ready to meet the flow, to blossom, to be loved into life.
If you’ve been waiting - if you’ve been keeping your dreams in a quiet, empty tank, waiting for the right moment to fill it, maybe this is your sign.
Maybe it's time to stop waiting.
That doesn’t mean leaving your job. Pursuing our dreams doesn’t require blowing up your life. You can start with small actions, or make small choices that place you closer towards your goal.
Here's what that looked like for me:
I took classes to blossom the interests I had - meditation courses, spirituality based courses, and online marketing/business building programs.
I advocated for myself by asking my manager if the company would fund my coach certification - the worst that could happen was they would say no. Lucky for me, it was a solid yes, with the company funding it 100%.
I pitched plugging in my coaching within the organization to our CCO - and was able to work with about 40-60 internal clients over the course of five years - building up my experience and skillset.
I opened my LLC, began a newsletter list, and dabbled here and there in creating events - slowly building my confidence in doing this work consistently.
This wasn't an overnight achievement - this was years in the making. But each decision, each action, and self determined move to ask for what I wanted got me closer and closer to a place where I could feel confident enough to launch on my own.
It took a lot of guts, a lot of tears, a lot of trust in the process. Sometimes I felt stupid. Sometimes I felt brave. But it always felt like an adventure.
What about you - have you been craving new experiences in your life? A fresh opportunity, a creative outlet, an adventure, or a way to upskill?
What’s one small step you can take this week to bring that to life?
Just see where it leads. Let go of the pressure for it to look and feel perfect. Just enjoy the ride, see where it takes you, and have fun.
Because I honestly think that's why we're all here. To experience, to explore, to make mistakes and let our lives be messy; Life is a beautiful, chaotic experiment where we get to play.
My life and career has been a winding, messy adventure - full of failures, boredom, and moments of deep dissatisfaction and frustration.
But I’ve learned to listen to that feeling, to follow it, and to trust that something new will emerge from the uncertainty, and confusion.
And for me, that adventure continues - it continues to feel like an uncertain knowing. I don’t know exactly what’s ahead, but I know that I’m trusting, surrendering to the possibility of deep fulfillment and joy.
Does this resonate with you?
I’d love to hear what’s been sitting in your "fish tank." Hit reply, and let me know. Or if you’re curious about working together, you can find more about what I do here.
Sending you sunshine,
Mari ☀️
Let's see where this journey takes me next! ☀️
